Breathe in.... Breathe out

I am in one peice... I am not breaking. Or so I am convincing myself.
Breathe in.... Breathe out... keep living. Keep waiting.
The hole in me that the waiting wears keeps growing and growing,
and I keep trying to tell myself that waiting is good, and what I need.
But there is only so much I can handle, and no one seems to be able to
help, in fact... they only seem to make it worse.

I will make it through this...

Breathe in.... Breathe out...
and keep living.

I am horrible

And I dont mean in a Dr. Horrible, what a crazy-random happenstance sort of way.

.... I'm so sorry.

The person that this is about knows who they are, I'm sure.

I'm more sorry than I have the words to say. It would take me centuries to accumulate the vocabulary needed to express my remorse...

I understand if you dont want to forgive me, Kodiak. You can even hate me. I feel as if I deserve it, somehow. Though I hope that you dont hate me. Please dont hate me.

Please?

Lost in the shuffle

Do you know that feeling? When you feel like you're standing in one place, and the world moves around you, and you cant join in for some reason? Thats me right now. Everyone I know seems to be striding forth with a purpose... And I cant seem to find mine right now. I've thought, thought, and thought... but I still cant find it. And I hate feeling lost.

Ponder, ponder, ponder

I'm thinking about making a few changes in my life. Nothing big for now, but changes non-the-less. Cutting my hair off. Spending more time out at my dads place. Trying to patch things up.

I'm beginning to understand how important my family is to me. I hadn't realized before.
And I'm kind of glad that my plans to move to Waco fell through. I'm not sure how much longer I'll have with my family as I know it. I'd like the chance to enjoy it while it lasts.

You know... I kind of figured that I would be... married by now. Maybe have started on a family. But I think that it's good that I haven't. I've learned alot about myself.

1) I hate cleaning. I just do. I need to learn how to like it, I think, before I share a house and room with someone.
2) I hate living by myself. While I did have a roommate on the lease, she was never home. So I, in effect, lived by myself. I hated it. I grew up around noise and people. There was always someone around, no matter what. But for the last few months, its been just me and the dog.
I hate dogs, btw. I prefer cats :)
3) I cant cook very well. I've come to grips with the fact. I need to find someone to cook for me :P
4) Someday, I want to own a book store. Maybe after I have kids, and they go through highschool, but eventually, I would like to start my own bookstore, so that I can share the love I have for the written language with others.
5) I have learned to be content with the ebb and flow of people around me. Maybe not when I'm interacting with the personally, but being among them, hearing them... it makes me feel at peace. I'm very sure that I'm not meant to live a solitary life.

All in all, I've learned a fair bit about myself in the last few months. And, other than a few things, I'm content with myself :)

is now....

Really fucking confused.
I need me some food, some Dresden Dolls, and some time to think....
and sleep.
Stuff has been shit the last few days.
But not today, anymore, for some reason... well, a reason, in anycase. I know why.
but thats why I'm confused.
damn.

getting ready to make some changes

So, today my roommate and I decided that we are going to cancel the lease that we have right now. I'm going to miss her, I suppose.
I'm getting ready to make some pretty big changes in my life coming up. I'm looking forward to it. Getting ready to pack up my house and move in with someone for a little while, try to get a car. I'm ready to get out of this town, and go somewhere else, somewhere not here, anyways :) though it obviously wont bode well for my relationship, but hey :)

the road is calling :)

on a different topic.... I want to get a tattoo. any ideas? I have one or two that I will post as pictires later... but suggestions?